When I was young, we used to have sayings made up for each month of the year. The April song was “April Showers Bring May Flowers” I would always meditate on how that adage played out in May when I noticed that starting in April many perennial plants, shrubs and trees would be begin to bloom. By May most all of nature was adorned with it’s fruits like leaves, bulbs, etc.
I always liked April because it signified the beginning of Spring which brought with it a brand new beautiful and colorful landscape. The grass is much greener because it’s being nurtured by the rain from the clouds and heaven. April traditionally brings change because everything that was laid dormant during the winter is being aroused anew!
I always liked April because I liked the change it brought to bear on the part of the earth I lived In. The Showers cleaned up the streets made dirty from the driven over snow covered streets and other random trash, mud, etc. Plus, April was always the month we did our Spring Cleaning inside and outside of the house.
With all the plusses of April and the positive changes it brings forward, it is still a very sad month and time of year for me. I lost my husband on April 15th. This year that date marked the fifth (5th) anniversary of his death and funeral. Each year on that day, I visit the cemetery and adorn his grave with beautiful bouquets of flowers and have a sweet conversation with him and thank the Lord for bringing him to heaven to dwell forever more in peace, in love, and in the happiest state of being he could have “never” imagined.
I know I am still on the pathway to healing from a loss that broke my heart! How do I know?, because I actually made a joke talking with my family about the significance of April 15th and that Mike didn’t pay his taxes on time! Probably a corny, lame joke but it made me chuckle because Mike was the type that ALWAYS paid his bills and met his obligations and was glad to do so. Still even with the joke, I found myself weeping for these last weeks since April 15th at the memory of him and the loneliness I still feel and still crave for his presence in the driver’s seat of the car, the side of the bed closest to the door and bathroom, the chair at the head of the kitchen table, the couch when he’s watching the games with his “spirits” on the coffee table in front of the couch.
I never knew I could love so so deep down into my soul. I just have to accept the reality that it will take as long as it needs to take for me to have the thought of him and just smile or laugh and continue on with my day feeling happy inside. I know that day will come but I’m not rushing it. Because I find comfort in having him living inside of me everywhere I go and in everything I do.
Would you like to share your thoughts or some ways you have found to keep putting that one foot in front of the other as you navigate your new beginning? This blog is a safe, secure, nonjudgmental community space for healing. If it helps you to blog about your journey, please feel free to do so here. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope my blog helps you in some meaningful way. God’s blessings and favor…….
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