Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. Why, because with the season of Fall, comes change! I've long professed to be a change advocate, change agent and change adapter! I love Fall, because I love the changes that come with it. Never in the year do we have the pleasure of watching natures' live painting of a landscape so beautifully adorned with the most brilliant of colors. Colors that overtake the green leaves on the bushes, trees and flowers. And, if you've ever taken a walk in the woods after a watering of the rain, you must admit there is nothing more brilliant than to see the leaves of the trees displaying the most brilliant colors of gold, deep dark red, orange and yellow against the bark that is dark brown or even black against the rusty colored fallen leaves that lay like a carpet on the ground beneath. So much changes in the Fall, which arrives faithfully each year in September!
So every year I look forward to welcoming the month of September, because I know there's going to be so many changes that help transition nature into an entirely new, yet different season! So much changes in September, like the weather! I'm already experiencing temps in the low to mid 40's and sometimes accompanied by rain that makes it feel like it's already winter. Then, there is the transition of day to night that happens much earlier in the evening than it did in the summer...yuck! So now, we're already waking up in the dark (if you're an early bird like me) and going to sleep in the dark!
There's another change that I'm noticing and that is the change in me and in my life as a recent widow. Since losing my best friend and most loving soul mate Mike, I've been going through a lot of changes. My eating habits have changed because I no longer have someone to cook for on a daily basis. My laundry habits have changed because I no longer have to do laundry for two. My sleeping habits have changed because it's hard to fall asleep without that familiar warm hug or snuggle. Believe it or not, I even miss his snoring! I've often touted that change is good because it usually leads to something better on the other side of it. When I worked in corporate America, I embraced change management because I knew it would result in better more efficient processes or customer service practices or higher skilled workers, etc. I wasn't afraid at all of change. It was something that most times, resulted in "Good."
But, I must admit, since losing Mike I don't know if I have the same enthusiasm for change anymore. You see, the changes I'm going through are not of my own making or intentions. They are because of a change in my life that I didn't want to have to make. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to be the sole decision maker. I didn't want to be the remaining half of Mama and Papa to my grands. I didn't want to be the alternate "go to" for my sons when they have questions they use to only want to talk to their dad about. I didn't want to be the only one left standing to face all the challenges that life puts in front of you whether you like it or not.
God only knows how much I really, really, really, really miss Mike. It's be 4 and 1/2 years and it still hurts like it did the day after. I'm strong and I keep myself occupied doing what I believe to be "walking in my purpose". But, it's hard. I can't deny that, and this change is even somewhat hindering me from moving forward in some new relationships, living the retirement plan we had made together, being as happy and satisfied as I was with him and allowing myself to try new things. I tell my friends that I've adopted a new mantra - live my best life each day! I'm trying to do that, but I'm starting up the crying spells again whether I'm driving, I'm cooking, I'm bathing, I'm talking to someone else - my mind is stayed on Mike and just how much I really miss him. I've even asked myself if I might be afraid to change because I'm afraid that maybe I won't be the same person that Mike knew and fell in love with. That sounds silly, but I'm just being honest with you and I know it's okay because I'm in a safe forum to express myself this way.
I know I have to work through this grief I'm experiencing and I'm sure eventually I'll be in a better place, but I feel like it will be a slow process. But, I will continue to talk to God and talk to Mike and think about what Mike would say to me because I know he would only want the best for me. So, for now I will allow myself to have those moments and believe that God is watching over me and so is Mike. I can make it with the both of them on my side! Meanwhile I will enjoy these last weeks of Fall foliage and be grateful for the tremendously, amazing blessing of Mike, and of God's love and presence in my life!
Are you finding any good ways of dealing with the changes in your life brought on by the loss of a loved one? We would love to hear from you or about any coping skills you've adopted to navigate through change! God Bless You!