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  • Writer's pictureGrace Rice

Getting better with time - Really?

So many times I've said these same words to someone I tried to console. "It takes time, but it will get better" I really felt that was true, because I had experienced losses of loved ones before and it did seem that in time, the sad feelings and painful reminders of them eased up and I was able to laugh and smile at the thought of them without breaking down in inconsolable sorrow. Time healed me after I lost my Mom, and my sister. But right now, I'm not feeling any ease and I'm 1 and 1/2 years into being without Mike. I keep listening to the music we both enjoyed and danced to and it's getting harder and harder to replay those moments in my mind. Yet, I can't stop listening. Right now, time is working against me. I'm so lonely. I dont' find pleasure in those simple things that used to brighten my day, make me laugh, act silly, tell a corny joke, or cook a 3 course meal. Why should I be happy?...I'm feeling some guilt that Mike died before me...it wasn't suppose to happen that way. The timeline is screwed up! He had so much to live for. Retired from his only job after high school and walked straight into cancer. A cancer that was touted as the "rarest of rare cancers" Why? only 50 people in US diagnosed with it EVER! No way to heal from it. No chemo, no radiation, just eradication through dissection. So retirement in 2016, surgeries, rehabs, hospitals, more surgeries, more rehabs, more hospitals right up until death in 2020. So much for living the bucket list he planned and prepared for after 43 years of working! So, do I dare say I'm angry? My husband robbed of the life he prepared for after raising 4 boys, putting me through undergrad and grad school and being the best papa to 8 grandkids. I guess I am angry. Because life wasn't fair to Mike. But, favor isn't fair either and Mike had more than his share of God's favor! So, if I'm angry is that offensive to God? When he blessed me with a man who's love for me was exceptional! So, I'm back to consoling myself by spending time reliving the memories of dancing to our favorite songs, imagining his touch, re-playing the last voice mail message over and over, remembering his compliments and our conversations about a miriad of topics. Time for me is making me lonlier and more sad every single day. But, I'm sure these things I'm doing to console, comfort and calm me will eventually lead to my healing. Odd as this sounds, I'm not looking forward just yet to those days, because right now I need this time to grieve, grieve out loud (through this blog) and grieve inside myself by listening to the songs, to the voice mail, and to the conversations and words that will forever be embellished on my mind and in my heart.

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