Not Enough

Time is marching on and passing me by. New experiences are happening and memories are being created without him. I wanted time to stand still so I could savor the good times; the journey of growing older together; the deepening of the friendship and love bond we enjoyed. I don't look forward to things like I used to, because he's not a part of it anymore.

I didn't have enough time. I wish I had known in advance so I could have taken more pictures, recorded more conversations and activities, and saved more hand written notes. I recently suffered a devastating loss when I accidentally deleted his last voice mail message. He was in the nursing rehab center before coming home for those last 3 weeks. He called to say he just wanted to hear my voice and hoped that everything at home was okay. He then said "okay I love you, bye" I didn't know that would be the very last time he would say good bye.

That voice message was the one and only thing I was holding onto that kept him in the present with me. I listened to it often because it was the only thing I had left that kept him physically connected to me. It was the most precious gift I had - his voice. I truly regret my mistake and I resent the fact that he is no longer here to say those words to me. I didn't have enough time and neither did he!

If I had my way, I'd want to bottle up the life I had with him and live in that bubble until the day I die. Yet, I'm faced with the stark truth and reality that I'm living a new life now. A life without the one I affectionately, deeply and unconditionally loved. I don't want the things I wanted with him anymore and I don't look forward to doing the things I used to do with him....because I miss him so much and it just won't be the same without him.

Time is marching on and passing me by. The date nights, the black tie social events, the birthday parties, the vacations, the concerts, the movies, the theatre, the family get togethers, and on and on. Those types of things are still happening, but not for us. They are passing me by.

It wasn't enough time for "us." The new life I'm living is a good life, but not the great life I had with him. There are new experiences and new memories every day, but they are not as gratifying. I guess you could say I'm going through the motions of moving forward in my new life, and I do believe it will be better in time. But, at this moment I'm still longing for more time with "him" because it wasn't enough time for "me."

Have you had feelings like this?