October Ups and Downs!

I must admit that I now have a love/hate relationship with the month of October! You see my youngest child and my late husband Mike were born in October. The most brilliant Fall earth-tone colors would adorn the leaves on the trees and bushes in the outdoor landscaping in October. The air outside would be fresh, clean, and crisp and mildly cold enough to warrant a sweater or jacket in October. It was a time for picking apples, sipping cider, going for hayrides, attending clambakes and football parties, or braving the cold to sit in the stands at the boys' high school football games! October was exciting and fun and served as a good segue into the cusp of winter.

These were the things I loved about the month of October. But that changed on Mike’s birthday October 10, 2018. That was the same day we met with the new Oncology Specialist Doctor that we were referred to by his previous doctor who was leaving the state for a new position elsewhere. That was the same day that we were going to celebrate Mike’s birthday later that afternoon. That was the same day my relationship with the month of October changed.

I now have apprehensions and unpleasant memories about the month of October. Do you know why? Because the new Doctor whom we had never met before and whom we now know we were sent to for him to deliver the worst news possible to Mike did the due and looked Mike straight in the face and said “I’ve looked over your charts and unfortunately I have to give it to you straight, your cancer has progressed to its last stage and there is nothing more we can do for you”!

I will never forget those words or the emotional hurt I felt when I heard them. I cried all the way home and I remember Mike trying to console me and telling me over and over again “It’s going to be okay, I’m not going anywhere.” That day was the saddest day I had in a very long time. Now every October I find myself celebrating my son's birthday and a week later mourning Mike and the fact that he would never hear another happy birthday after that. In fact, every year on October 10th my day is filled with reliving that day, hearing that doctor’s grim delivery and Mike’s voice telling me everything was going to be alright.

So that’s why I say I now have a love/hate relationship with the month of October. I’m sure I’ll eventually move past the way I feel about it now. But in the meantime, I move forward and focus on all the reasons I have to be grateful and appreciative of the blessing of Mike in my life and take comfort in the knowledge that he is elevated to the highest form of being and with the most high God living his best life in eternity forever and ever! Thank you for reading my blog. God Bless You!