It's only been 2 years and 4 months since I lost my beloved husband. Sometimes I'm reminded in conversations about something I've done or somewhere I went during this time and it gives me time to pause and reflect. I'm feeling some kind of a way about where I am in my life now. Am I evolving into someone else who thinks or acts differently? Am I quietly submerged in grief while putting on a happy face when I'm interacting with others?
When I'm reminded of things I did or said before Mike passed, I picture myself as more happy, easy to laugh, full of energy and enthusiasm for each day. I realized that isn't quite me anymore when my sister told me I seemed depressed during our trip to Eqypt this spring. That wasn't like the me that I was before losing Mike. Yes, I know that being depressed is normal after such a devastating personal loss. But, it's not the depression that has me questioning where I am now.
It's the struggle with having that same level of enthusiasm and energy for each new day. I was the champion of change before this happened. I was gung-ho about new adventures. I eagerly planned for the future all the time. Whether it was redecorating the house, going on a trip, having a party, finding a new hairstyle, or cooking a new recipe, I had a happy expectation about it. Now, it's more of going through the motion to just get it done, whatever that thing to do is!
I know I'm psychologically okay, because I do find myself thinking about my future. Maybe that's because I'm the only one now who has to do that. Mike's not here to talk with me about our next steps. So I think about it as if it's a chore or a task that I need to do to make sure I keep my lifestyle and myself moving forward. But, I wonder where am I in my attempt to keep myself the same way I was before I lost Mike. I'm wondering if I can be that same person anymore now that I have different responsibilities and concerns.
Mike protected me from a lot of things and even though I know how to live on my own, I've never had to shoulder all the responsibilities and concerns alone. I feel like just having to approach each day with more seriousness and somberness is changing me. I want to be the person I was before because I liked who she was and Mike loved who she was. Maybe after more time has passed and I've become more adjusted to my new normal, I can look at myself and not wonder where I am. Just maybe I'll be able to see that where I am is where I was before and that would be just fine by me!
Where are you?
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