Well, here we are. Just completed the first trimester of 2024. What a busy month too. Everything is coming back to life in March! Birds come home, plants start to grow, snow and rain alternate throughout the weeks, celebration planning begins for Easter, clocks spring forward, farmers prepare for planting, and March Madness takes hold!!!
I like March because it happens to be my birthday month as well as several of my close relatives. This year I spent it away in a cabin in the mountains. It was a quiet weekend and just being in the thick of nature with no to ‘do’s, deadlines, or schedules made it especially wonderful for me!
I thought a lot during my quiet time while I was away, and did a lot of reminiscing about all the March’s (those I could remember) before. I thought about all those times when I didn’t appreciate or even recognize the significance of March. All the important changes, events, and new beginnings that systematically occur every March, every year and in God’s perfect order! It made me appreciate the term of “time marching on”.
Having the time in March to be more reflective helped me to a new level of understanding myself. I journaled during the 3+ plus years of Mike’s cancer journey. I wrote about everything we did every single day! I’m glad I did that because reading back to those days and all the feelings, emotions and reactions I wrote about helped me reconcile why I did what I did and allowed me to come to peace with it.
You see, I often wonder if I did my best for Mike. If I helped him make the right decisions when we were faced with those difficult choices by the Oncologist or if I made the right decisions on his behalf when he couldn’t anymore. I admit, I have had doubts about whether I did enough or set the right priorities or did the most important, impactful things to help, support, and love him.
Looking back on my journey with Mike still brings me a lot of sorrow because I wanted to make sure he felt my deep love for him, that he was assured and comfortable and happy. We were both so hopeful that God would work a miracle and eradicate the cancer and we would give our joyous testimony to every and anyone who would listen. I wanted to play a bigger part in his recovery than the cancer allowed me. So, I resented the cancer. I hated the cancer (and still do)!
But, the one thing I will always remember and cherish is that moment a couple of days before he passed, I asked him if he knew how much I really loved him with all my heart and soul. And he, in all his weakness and frailty, said emphatically he did. But that was Mike! Always lifting me up, always considerate of my feelings before his own. I know he tried to reassure me and I know he meant what he said. So, I am going to take him for his word and be at peace with it.
I hope this blog has helped you if you have been struggling with feelings and emotions that still linger after the loss of your loved one. If you’ve found a way to cope with lingering feelings, doubts, and emotions would you share it here in this non-judgmental community space for healing?
Thank you so much for your support of my blog. I hope to hear from you on this topic soon. God Bless YOU!!!!!
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