Past Tense?

As this month comes to a close, I've become more aware of how conversations or even reflections of my husband are spoken in past tense. A dear friend recently sent a text to me with the words "Say Not in Grief He is No More But, in Thankfulness that He Was" Although I understand the meaning and intent of these words, I honed in on the words, "he is no more and that he was" Those words hit me hard because it opened a deep wound in my heart caused by his passing. It's hard for me to talk about him in the past. It causes great conflict within me because I'm still holding him so near to me, so close in my heart.

Even though, the reality of it all is slowly but firmly setting in, it's only intensifying the grief because I'm missing him terribly and constantly reminded of what a huge part of my life he was - oops I just said it "he was." I'm still crying just about every day. Sometimes it's just tears rolling down from a flashing memory or a song I can still visualize us dancing to. Other times, it's straight out bawling out load from that hurtful feeling and aching pain of not seeing him in bed next to me or feeling his gentle hugs. We were the best of friends and did everything together. We enjoyed each other's company immensely and I'm not ready to let go of that.

I guess just typing these words it's bringing a new reality to me that even though I can't speak about him as if he was, I am living in the past because it's words spoken, feelings shared, loving embraces, fun activities that happened when he was, but that's what I can't let go of now in the present. So there is this sort of dual reality that is conflicting my emotions. Some well meaning friends have tried to gently "coax" me to let go, so I can move on. They rationalize it by telling me "Mike would not want this for you, he would want you to be happy." Well guess what, it's impossible right now for me to be truly happy, because Mike's not here and it was Mike who made me very very happy. I understand why they say that, because deep inside I know Mike would want me to be happy, but I think he would truly understand where I'm at right now.

It's going on 2 years now and it hasn't gotten much easier. But, I am slowly finding other reasons to devote my attention and passions into new projects. I'm writing my first childrens' picture book. I created this blog that I'm hoping others will find helpful should they need a forum to release some of their thoughts and feelings about losing a loved one. I'm going to the gym at least 3 times a week to exercise and walk 10,000 steps to stay fit. So, I'm not sitting around wallowing in sadness and depression, but I am fiercely guarding and protecting my thoughts and remembrances near in my heart, even if they are from the past. Does this make sense?